Shrimp in Boxers
by razatip
Summary: Edward recieves a rather strange gift in the mail from an unnamed gift giver.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

**A/N:** Another whacky idea from me spawned by boredom. Woot.

**Warnings:** None really besides stripping and shower scenes. EnvyxEd

**Shrimp in Boxers**

_Who could have sent them… Why did someone send them? Out of all the things… _These thoughts swirl around in my mind over and over again. I just cannot figure out who sent those damned things…

There, on my bed right across from me, is a black, silky pair of boxers. Boxers. I received _boxers _from an unnamed gift-giver. Should I be scared?

Earlier, my brother Alphonse came back to the military dorm rooms to give me a box. Not just any box. This box was carefully wrapped in shiny, pretty purple wrapping paper with a green bow circled around it. Odd choice of colors, if you ask me.

"Nii-san, this came in the mail for you," he told me. Thinking that maybe it was from Winry, my mechanic, I took the box and opened it. After sorting through the annoying paper that people tend to love putting in present boxes, I found my prize.

Bewildered, I lifted the boxers out and examined them. I blinked then looked over at my brother. "Who sent this?"

"Um… Wasn't there a note?" he replied, barely managing to hold in his giggles. It wasn't everyday that the great Fullmetal Alchemist received _boxers _in the mail. They weren't even my color! Black? Psh. I'd rather have white. But the boxers felt nice in my hands. I wondered what sort of material it was made out of…

I glanced around on the floor, shifting through the torn wrapping paper. And there, underneath the lid of the box, was a small note. Must have been attached to the string of the bow…

I picked it up and read it.

_To my dearest little bean--_

Bean? _Bean?!_ Who the hell did this person think he (or maybe she?) was! I was in the middle of ripping the paper in half when Al placed a hand on my shoulder and told me to calm down. Grumbling, I pulled away from him and continued reading the small, flowing words of the letter.

_Despite what you may think, black suits you far more than white ever will. Enjoy the gift._

I blinked a few times, dumbfounded as I flipped the paper over to search for a name. There was none.

"What's it say, Nii-san?" my brother asked curiously. I ignored him as I tried to figure out whose handwriting the note might belong to. It's almost old-fashioned looking, nice and fancy, curvy too. No one I know has handwriting like it…

"Some sicko must've sent it…," I mumbled as I handed the note to Al. He took it and read over the single sentence a few times, then chuckled.

"Any idea of who?" Al asked as he stooped over to clean up the mess I had made.

I think over it then came to a conclusion. "Mustang."

"Why would Colonel Mustang send you a pair of boxers?"

"Because he's_ Mustang_, Al! The question isn't why _would _he, the question is why _wouldn't _he?" I threw the boxers onto the bed and plopped down on a chair, seething over this stupid joke of that damned colonel's.

Al finished collecting the paper and box bits and went over to dump the handful into the trash bin while I glared darkly at the boxers. "Whatever you say, Nii-san. But the least you could do is try them on. Just because Mustang, although he probably didn't, sent them, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them."

"There is! If they came from that jerk then there is something wrong with them!" I growl as I prop my elbow on the armrest of the chair and rest my head in my palm.

"Well you have no choice but to wear them. Since you've been too lazy to wash your clothes, you have no clean pairs of boxers."

"Hmph," I grumbled, frowning.

Alphonse went into the bathroom for a moment then came back out with a basket of my clothes. "I'll take these downstairs to the washing machines while you take a shower. I should be back by the time you're out," he said as he walked towards the door. "And don't you dare put the same boxers you're wearing now back on, Nii-san." With that said, he was gone. Tch, what a mother hen.

And so, here I am, glaring at a pair of boxers on my bed. What if Mustang put itching powder in them or something? Or maybe he's worn them before. Ugh! Ack! Don't let me think that! Urgh… I think I'm starting to feel a little ill…

I force those sick, sick, _sick _thoughts out of my head (Or worse, what if _Armstrong _wore those before? Ick ick ick…) and get up from the chair. I snatch the boxers up off the bed and stomp my way into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

I toss them onto the sink and pad over to the tub, pulling back the shower curtain some to fiddle with the knobs and turn on the shower. Once the water is at a decent temperature, I step back and pull off my shirt, dropping it messily down to the floor.

All of a sudden, I start to feel rather strange, like someone's watching me… A few glances around the small bathroom tell me that I'm completely alone though. Silly me. I think I'm starting to get paranoid.

I unbuckle my belt and slowly pull it off as I listen for someone or something that might be in the bedroom. See? Paranoia. I growl, cursing myself, then quickly tug off my pants and kick them aside, doing the same to my boxers.

This time, I swear I hear something. A strange sound, almost like someone licking their lips…

I spin around, eyes narrowed and frantically looking about. No one. Nothing. How odd.

Ignoring my paranoia, I turn back around and pull back the shower curtain of the tub to step into it. Warm water sprays downwards, and I begin to forget about the strange gift and noises as I wash myself.

When my hair was dripping in water and shampoo, something caught my eye. I swear, I can see some sort of silhouette through the curtains… Must be my imagination… But if it is, then why is the shadow coming closer?

Snarling, I pull back the curtains and let loose a string of angry curses at the person who… isn't there. I blink. I could have sworn…

The only thing there is the black boxers on the tile floor. Wait, didn't I put them on the sink…? I think I'm going nuts…

I close the curtains and go back to washing myself, quicker than before. I just want to get out. If there's some creepy, pervy stalker out there, I want to get dressed as soon as possible and smash his skull in.

Damn it! There's those creepy noises again! Little quiet snickers this time! "Argh, who the hell is out there!" I screech, practically tearing the curtains off as I pull them back. "Goddamnit." Yep, no one was there…

This time, I turn the water off and step out, grabbing a towel to dry myself with. I nearly slip on the boxers as I take a step forward. See? I toldja the damned thing is no good! I ought to burn it to ashes…

Mostly dry, I lean down to snatch the dreaded thing up. I turn it this way and that, examining it for some sort of horrible flaw…

And there is none. Not a single damn one so I have no choice but to put the boxers on. Surprisingly, it's a nice fit. That removes the possibility of it once belonging to Mustang or even Armstrong… Thank God.

Dropping the towel to the floor, I leave the bathroom and walk over to my dresser to search for clothes. But the drawer's empty… Oh, that's right, Al went to take my clothes down to the washing machines… So I have nothing to wear… Damnit.

As I was shutting the drawer (slamming, actually) the most peculiar thing happened. It felt as if someone had grabbed- yes, _grabbed _-my ass.

I jump and whirl around, furious. _But no one is there! ARGH!_

"What the hell is going on!" I ask no one in particular as I march over to my bed and fall face first down onto it, ignoring the wet strands of hair that stuck to my neck and shoulders.

This time, I _know _something happened, something that I _didn't _imagine. I lay perfectly still, eyes wide. Something (or someone!) is gently caressing my skin… But it's not possible. No one's here but me! And yet, it feels as if tiny hands are brushing against the skin beneath my boxers… At first, I thought it might have been the silky material touching me, but I know the difference between a touch from a person and a touch from some cloth.

My hands grasp the sheets of the bed tightly until my knuckles begin to turn white. I'm confused, angry, and possibly just a teeny bit frightened.

"Ignore it," I hiss, "It's nothing. It can't be anything…"

"Oh but it _is _something, O'Chibi-san," comes a silky voice from… above me! How's… how can that… _Was that_ **Envy's** _voice_?!

I quickly twist myself around, now laying on my back on the bed, staring up into the amethyst eyes of a deranged killer. My mouth opens and closes a few times in shock as I try to form words.

Envy smirks widely, eyes narrowed in mirth as he looks up and down my body. He's straddling my waist with a hand on either side of me. Where the hell did he come from?!

Then I realize something. I'm naked. No clothes. And my boxers seem to have mysteriously vanished…

"You know, Chibi-san…," he purrs, leaning down to whisper into my ear, "You really do look better in black. Oh, and wet." He snickers and gives my ear a lick. I shudder, confused.

Then what Envy said clicks in my mind.

"_You_ were the one who sent the boxers?!" I ask in a high-pitched voice of shock. Envy laughs, somehow finding my question to be amusing as he nuzzles against my cheek. I'm about to throw him off and gut him with an alchemized blade, when he said:

"No, dear chibi. I wasn't the one who sent them. I _was _them."

-

Alphonse is outside the military dorms after spotting a tiny kitten stuck up a tree through the window of the laundry room. He had successfully saved the kitten and is cradling it in his bulky armored arms when he hears an angry screech from above and some sort of loud _thump _followed by a mewling whine.

Al would have blinked if he had eyelids. He glances up just in time to see a scrawny body with a wild mane of greenish black hair being flung out the window of a second story room.

Was that Nii-san's and his room…? Al looks down at the kitten in his arms and smiles inwardly, beaming happily.

"I wonder if Nii-san will let me keep you…," he says to the black kitten as he goes back into the building to fetch Edward's clothes, not noticing the body that tumbles into the bushes.

"Owww…," the body complains as it sticks its head out of the bushes. "Damn, chibi… "

* * *

**  
A/N:** Yes, yes, short, I know. But I just wanted to write a fic where Envy became Edward's boxers. :D 

_Edit: I hadn't realized how many tenses errors I had in this thing; someone informed me that it made reading it difficult to understand x.x; That's what I get for stopping and starting at different times for writing... Argh. Hopefully everything's fixed._


End file.
